it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
