So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
