I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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