I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize