It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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