the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
