There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
