theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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