So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
