i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
