: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
