he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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