What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
