If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
