Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude i'm inner monologue high
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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