You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
