Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
