i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
