I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
