New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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