I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize