So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
