I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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