dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
