shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
