YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
