You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
