They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
