I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
