I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
