I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
