Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
