I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
