Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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