is wine microwaveable?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
