He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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