i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
