I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
