How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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