i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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