My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
