I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
