walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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