I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
