Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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