I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We're too hungover to prance.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
