If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I will pee on everything he values.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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