Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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