Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
