i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
