I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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