if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
