It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
