the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
