Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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