what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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