so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
