There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize