i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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