My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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