Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
