I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
