I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
