I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
