I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
