My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
