Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
