I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He passed out mid-signature
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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