there's paper in my vomit.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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