if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
