I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
my poor anus
Randomize
