Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
