I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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